Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

There’s a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well.

Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story.