All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.

I don't have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there's really nothing you can do about it. It's like nuclear weapons; if they exist then eventually other people are going to have them. Maybe just take away people's motivation to use them.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.