Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?

All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself.

In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.

I couldn't possibly explain why the common person would be against something like that. It's all rooted in sexual hang-ups. The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society. I don't know why anyone would want to get married heterosexually, so why they'd be against homosexual marriage is flummoxing. I only use that word when I'm talking to someone from the British press.

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.