Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?

[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.

My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to tell me to do comedy before I even tried it. She was always up for any gag.

Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.

If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.