If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.

Abject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust. But a modest assertion of one's own opinion, and a complaisant acquiescence in other people's, preserve dignity.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.

I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.