Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

I recommend to you, in my last, an innocent piece of art: that of flattering people behind their backs, in presence of those who, to make their own court, much more than for your sake, will not fail to repeat, and even amplify, the praise to the party concerned. This is of all flattery the most pleasing, and consequently the most effectual.

He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery.

Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.

Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.