It's our flaws who make us who we are.

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?

Did you ever try to sleep sober?

If I were money-motivated, I would spread insidious lies that marijuana is dangerous and addictive and leads to dancing with white women, that your children are at risk of riding that freight train straight into hell or an opium den. Then I'd parlay that fear into a chain of overpriced "rehab" centers that can cure them and shake Satan from their souls. But I am not that ambitious. I am a drunk.

Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.