I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.

In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.

There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.

I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.

Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.