I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end.

I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end.

Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.

You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.

You're born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that's a law, if you get old you die, that's a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you're born with.