I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end.

Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.

I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end.

How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That's all America is: a government. There's no such thing as 'we're Americans.' That's just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You're not an American. You're a guy, you're a person, you're an individual.

I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.