I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end.

If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.

I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, Im not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.

People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than what they used to do... which sucked a lot.

He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.

You're born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that's a law, if you get old you die, that's a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you're born with.