How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That's all America is: a government. There's no such thing as 'we're Americans.' That's just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You're not an American. You're a guy, you're a person, you're an individual.

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.

What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority.

What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.

There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.

Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid.