Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day.

I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.

America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.

I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.

He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.