I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?

I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't really need to be known anymore than I am. The slight sliver of fame I do have is hard to deal with. If I was actually well-known - I don't even know what to say to people who are at my show when I walk into the venue, much less having waitresses in diners asking for my autograph.