People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.

There’s a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.

People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than what they used to do... which sucked a lot.

As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.

I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, "Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!"