People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that's unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.

I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.

I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.