If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, 'Gay pride, white power!' just to confuse people.

People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than what they used to do... which sucked a lot.

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.

Get the right to marry - and then don't.