If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?

Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.

I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.

There's times to be dainty and times to be a pig.

The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.