People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than what they used to do... which sucked a lot.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story.

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, Im not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.

Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism.

A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.