Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well.

You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north."

Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.

There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.

Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.

I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end.

I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.