My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?

Sex is free fun for poor people.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.

Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.

I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.

Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.