My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?

I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.

Get the right to marry - and then don't.

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.

Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.