My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.

Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don't apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn 'em and share 'em. Then come to the show.

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.