My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.

What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.