If I were money-motivated, I would spread insidious lies that marijuana is dangerous and addictive and leads to dancing with white women, that your children are at risk of riding that freight train straight into hell or an opium den. Then I'd parlay that fear into a chain of overpriced "rehab" centers that can cure them and shake Satan from their souls. But I am not that ambitious. I am a drunk.

Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.

Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism.

If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery.

I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.