If I were money-motivated, I would spread insidious lies that marijuana is dangerous and addictive and leads to dancing with white women, that your children are at risk of riding that freight train straight into hell or an opium den. Then I'd parlay that fear into a chain of overpriced "rehab" centers that can cure them and shake Satan from their souls. But I am not that ambitious. I am a drunk.

I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.

You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.

I'm in a perfect position. I don't want to be more famous and I can't lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want.

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, Im not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.

Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?

When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.