Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.

Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.

Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.

Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.