Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.

I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.