Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story.
Doug StanhopeIf you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.
Doug StanhopeWhen you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.
Doug StanhopeI had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.
Doug StanhopeThe fact is that really no comedian sets out to offend you. Some comics enjoy the challenge of taking a subject that is likely to be found offensive and trying to make it funny‚ but the object is still to make you laugh. Offense is only a calculated risk. It's highly unlikely that a comedian whose only goal was to repulse you would ever make it past an open-mic stage, far less build a long career of touring theatres and television appearances.
Doug Stanhope