Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.

People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.

People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: "What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do?" Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.

You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north."