I loved the old stories in National Lampoon, like the original story the movie Vacation was based on. I used to laugh at them until I cried.

I honestly think that it automatically hurts me if I said that I supported the war in Iraq and I support the troops. That automatically kills me for getting a bunch of movies, a bunch of television shows. People don't want to hear from me.

Why is everybody afraid of going to Heaven? You want to be here with the smog and the sin and bad people and the war? Or do you want to be in Heaven, sitting next to Jesus, you know?

I used to go to the library all the time when I was kid. As a teenager, I got a book on how to write jokes at the library, and that, in turn, launched my comedy career.

Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.

I'm competitive at everything.

I loved the old stories in National Lampoon, like the original story the movie Vacation was based on. I used to laugh at them until I cried.