I don't do one show and wish I was doing something else.

And for you kids watching at home, remember, the less homework you do and the closer you sit to the TV, the more points you get.

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

George Carlin is kind of my template now because George Carlin before was straight laced regular comic and he had short hair, a tie, suit, nightclub guy. Then he said screw it, let his hair grow, just started telling what he thought was the truth. So that's what I'm trying to do.

I'm competitive at everything.

International soccer has been a big part of my love for the sport. I love the Men's National Team. I can say that they're my favorite sports team.

Listen, you don't know any better so I'll just tell you. You can't try to save money by not having the right beer. You know, you can skip having medical insurance, you can buy everything you own at a swap meet but the right beer is what makes living like this possible.