The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.

Jaguar — For men who'd like hand-jobs from beautiful women they hardly know.

I certainly did feel inferior. Because of class. Because of strength. Because of height. I guess if I'd been able to hit somebody in the nose, I wouldn't have been a comic.

Not everyone who drinks is a poet. Some of us drink because we're not poets.

Masturbation is always very safe. You not only control the person you're with, but you can leave when you want to.

It seems that a lot of people, who haven't known of me as a pianist, think I've just started off as a comedian. And so for them the piano was something extra. But, of course, playing the piano was something that came before all of what's happened now.

I haven't had that many women - only as many as I could lay my hands on.