Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, "Quick, get me to casualty quick!" while your doing something important like sitting down picking your ear.

In my personal life, my family makes me laugh more than anybody; I think that is the same for everybody. I certainly hope it is.

‎What's the weather like? ... It's fierce mild!

When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears. What the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move... I'm locking the door now.'

Don't you DARE use party as a verb in my shop

What I prefer is an audience who listen. And are intelligent. Which I try and assume every audience is. And that if something goes wrong, it's generally my fault and not theirs.

You’re not going to learn anything if you’re not prepared to go flat, so I’m very happy to go flat.