I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.

When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears. What the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move... I'm locking the door now.'

I've been writing since I was very young, even before I was a teenager. As far as I'm concerned, I am a writer - whether my writing's spoken or written in a blog, paper, book or printed on the side of a submarine.

Wow this place is really big isn't it? They must do proper stuff here, like opera and all that...shite.

I have to say, as much I am respectful of people's faith and the idea of it being necessary for them, but when it comes to the Catholic church as an organization I don't have one scintilla of compassion, understanding, anything. I just think they're the most heinous, corrupt, separatingly vile organization that's ever been on the planet.

Children are the most honest critics. They will say "You're funny", but also "You're pathetic - go away."

If you're a comic, you don't have a rehearsal room, you rehearse on stage. My main concern is remembering everything.