You know, people sometimes say to me, 'Do you prefer to do this or that, act or do stand-up or write' but the thing that I enjoy most is the difference between all of them, because you're always learning. I don't go around thinking of myself as a great anything. I'm actually lucky to have the chance to fail at all of them.

Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten. And that's really what adult life is like most of the time.

You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'

All the shy people are doomed! Natural selection favors the loud and the aggressive

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.

I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.

Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.