Somewhere in there the grace of a ballet dancer joins with the strength of an SAS squaddie, the dignity of an ancient kind, the nerve of a bomb disposal officer.

Every club he's been to has had great injury crises. Every club. And it's always hamstrings.

I'll have you know that I am not a failed Third Division footballer. I am a failed Second Division footballer.

Well, I don't like to make outlandish statements. Not all the time. But Wimbledon would have beaten them 10-0.

We'll all see through Mourinho. We'll find out he's just a Bengal lancer.

They just talk drivel. Whoever is winning is great, whoever isn't, isn't. It's banal. And also semi-literate at times ... they never criticise in an intelligent way. Anything that isn't banal is said to be an outburst. They've created this cartoon world where everyone talks like Lineker and says nothing.

Ronaldo is a disgrace to the game. His petulance, temperament, throwing himself on the ground. It was a disgrace to professional football. This fella Ronaldo is a cod.