Ronaldo is a disgrace to the game. His petulance, temperament, throwing himself on the ground. It was a disgrace to professional football. This fella Ronaldo is a cod.

That's the first time I've seen sex between two men on the BBC.

We'll all see through Mourinho. We'll find out he's just a Bengal lancer.

Well, I don't like to make outlandish statements. Not all the time. But Wimbledon would have beaten them 10-0.

You need dictatorships and poverty to produce great footballers.

Somewhere in there the grace of a ballet dancer joins with the strength of an SAS squaddie, the dignity of an ancient kind, the nerve of a bomb disposal officer.

If ever a player was out of his class that night it was me.