Many a standing ovation has been caused by someone jumping to his feet in an effort to beat the rest of the audience to the parking lot.

There's only one kind of tax that would please everybody - one that nobody but the other guy has to pay.

Mathematics-a wonderful science, but it hasn't yet come up with a way to divide one tricycle between three small boys.

Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back

A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.

He's so snobbish he has an unlisted zip-code.

Saying 'Gesundheit' doesn't really help the common cold - but its about as good as anything the doctors have come up with.