Today, there are three kinds of people: the haves, the have-nots, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-haves.

A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.

Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.

Many a standing ovation has been caused by someone jumping to his feet in an effort to beat the rest of the audience to the parking lot.

There's only one kind of tax that would please everybody - one that nobody but the other guy has to pay.

Middle Age - later than you think and sooner than you expect.

Modern man drives a mortgaged car over a bond-financed highway on credit-card gas.