The war is really about religion. The war's between Jesus and Muhammad. The Christians say Jesus is the messenger. Muslims say Muhammad is the messenger. Who gives a expletive who the messenger is did you get the message?

He's been on vacation for a year and month. Captain Kirk never left the helm when the Enterprise was under attack.

My favorite date movie is Scarface. There's nothing like taking a woman to see Scarface. It gets the panties off quick.

I remember riding across the Brooklyn Bridge about 12 times because they wanted me to keep up with the helicopter, and I said, "Can you have the helicopter keep up with me, my calves are burning!"

I never wrote a joke in my life. I just get on stage and let it flow.

There's only three major elements. Air, land, which is your flesh and water, which is your blood. You're walking on a third of yourself. She's called Mother Earth. She gave birth to your ass. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, your maggot food ass going right back to her!

In Europe, kids learn at least four languages before they're out of high school. But our education system is so underfunded, they go to school to buy heroin and an AK-47.