When you're more mature, you do start telling the truth, in odd situations. "I'm sorry, I've broken a glass here. Is that expensive? I'll pay for it. I'm sorry." And you do that so that people in the room might go, "What a strong personality that person has. I like to have sex with people with strong personalities."

If you go down as a comedian's comedian, that's basically meaning other comedians are hopefully feeling that you're doing okay.

You’ve got to believe you can be a standup before you can be a standup. You have to believe you can act before you can act. You have to believe you can be an astronaut before you can be an astronaut. You’ve got to believe.

I definitely have breast envy. When teenage girls were saying 'I wish I had breasts', I was thinking the same thing.

You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.

Because we all know one of the main factors of war is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the First Batallion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne Wing.

They say the Universe started with a big bang. I hope everybody stood well back.