We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" They're going "You can't claim us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a flag …? "No..." "Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up!

That's no good, I can't steal from the fairly well off and give to the moderately impoverished! That's not gonna swing, is it?

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"

When I watched Braveheart I was in tears and I was rooting for the Scottish people

I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees putting on make-up when you're up there!

I'd like to have sex with myself.

I don't know what it's like in the U.S. but immigrants in the U.K. do the jobs the citizens won't do.