We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" They're going "You can't claim us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a flag …? "No..." "Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up!

I'd be happy to be taken as a woman - and that's what I was initially trying to do when I started throwing on dresses and stuff. But that wasn't going to happen because everyone kept calling me sir. So I thought I'd change the method and just start wearing what I wanted to wear.

If there were a god, don't you think he would have flicked Hitler's head off?

When you're coming out, you have to deal with the whole world saying 'Oh! You're an abominable snowman'.

But the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana!

My stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal.

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.