The Death Star is just full of British actors opening doors and going,Oh... I... oh... What is it Lieutenant Sebastian? It's just the Rebels, sir... they're here. My God, man! Do they want tea? No, I think they're after something a bit more than that, sir. I don't know what it is, but they've brought a flag. Damn, that's dash cunning of them.

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'

Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up!

You're gay, you sell books... you probably shag the books.

Cos people think I'm on drugs and I'm not. I'm really quite... Just a bit of coffee. When I take drugs I start going, Oh, would you like insurance?

My stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal.

In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up.