I want to be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. I wanna get more sand into an animal than anybody has ever bloody got in one. I wanna fill a rat with the entire Gobi Desert, so it’s really quite tight.

I'm an Action Transvestite.

Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both ... different. In spelling.

"I've done your dog. It's got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?" "Fido looks a bit weird."

I'd like to have sex with myself.

You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!

If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, 'Heimlich maneuver,' and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say 'Heimlich maneuver' when you're choking to death.