I like my coffee hot and strong. Like I like my women: hot and strong...with a spoon in them.

Little red cookbook! Little red cookbook!

"I've done your dog. It's got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?" "Fido looks a bit weird."

There was no religion in my life growing up. Did God invent us or did we invent God?

When you're coming out, you have to deal with the whole world saying 'Oh! You're an abominable snowman'.

Because that's what narcissism is all about; looking in the mirror everyday and thinking 'Damn, I'd like to shag myself.'

My stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal.