I like my coffee hot and strong. Like I like my women: hot and strong...with a spoon in them.

I can go from blokey to girlie in 15 minutes and then I'm out the door. But that's the fastest I can do it. Becoming a woman takes work.

Cable cars are fun - everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey.

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.

We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" They're going "You can't claim us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a flag …? "No..." "Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up!

For me to put a look together, if it's going to be a boy look or a girl look or whatever, is quite a tricky thing to do. I'm not doing drag because drag is seen in a certain way and my comedy has got zero to do with what I'm wearing. I could wear an elephant suit and say the same thing.

Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others.