If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f**k off block of concrete!

You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.

I can go from blokey to girlie in 15 minutes and then I'm out the door. But that's the fastest I can do it. Becoming a woman takes work.

The bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of drama is to be truthful. You can be truthful and funny, but if you're not truthful in a drama than the audience leaves you.

Danger could be my middle name... But it's John.

If you can be your own force of nature and have a positive heart, then you can actually do something good in the world.

We will now sing forth, hymn 405, 'Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo all about?