Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.

It's not a bloody piano, it's a clarenARt...you weird talking person.

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

I want to live till I die. No more, no less.

In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up.

"I've done your dog. It's got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?" "Fido looks a bit weird."

Some people are widely read. I'm thinly read.