I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.

Honey bees are amazing creatures. I mean, think about it, do earwigs make chutney?

MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.

I like my coffee hot and strong. Like I like my women: hot and strong...with a spoon in them.

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel!

Comedy is like a very cokey, druggy sugar. You get hits of comedy, and it's very, "More, give me more of that stuff," because serotonin is being released in the brain. So it's basically, everyone becomes serotonin junkies, and we are serotonin dealers. And that's what being a comedian is about.