We must have been hunters and gatherers but some of us were just waiters and hopers.

Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

My stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal.

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.

The National Rifle Association says, 'Guns don't kill people. People do'. But I think the gun helps.

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'

Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, Relaxed and groovy?! No, no, no, no, no! So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the... wood on the cross. Well, you tell me! It's got nothing to do with it, has it?