Now airlines charge for everything... If the oxygen mask drops, you have to swipe your credit card to start the flow of the oxygen.

We all feel like idiots at one time or another. Even if we feel we're cool 98 percent of the time, that 2-percent doofus is poised to take over our bodies without any warning.

What would bug the Taliban more than seeing a gay woman in a suit surrounded by Jews?

It always helps to think about other people instead of ourselves.

I cannot imagine not going home to animals. They are the closest thing to God. They don't harbour resentment.

I always worry when someone's a good golfer. It's like you shouldn't have time to be good at anything. You should just be a politician and you shouldn't have time to practice golf.

Why can't rappers just say nice things? Like I wanna take your clothes off and hang them up in the closet real nice.