Asking who's the 'man' and who's the 'woman' in a same-sex relationship is like asking which chopstick is the fork.

Do we have to know who's gay and who's straight? Can't we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?

Quick decision makers are often stuck behind annoying people in line at Starbucks.

It's such an honor to receive the Mark Twain Prize. To get the same award that has been given to people like Bill Cosby, Tina Fey and Will Ferrell, it really makes me wonder… why didn't I get this sooner?

Start thinking positively. You will notice a difference. Instead of 'I think I'm a loser,' try 'I definitely am a loser.' Stop being wishy-washy about things! How much more of a loser can you be if you don't even know you are one? Either you are a loser or you are not. Which is it, stupid?

Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you've never sung before, and you realize you've never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, 'Life in the Fast Lane?' That's what they're saying right there? You think, 'why have I been singing 'wipe in the vaseline?' how many people have heard me sing 'wipe in the vaseline?' I am an idiot.

We use only 10% of our brains... Imagine how smart we would be if we used the other 60%!