Asking who's the 'man' and who's the 'woman' in a same-sex relationship is like asking which chopstick is the fork.

All we have is here and now. That's why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution.

I put a basketball in front of George Clooney's door and sprayed it with supermodel perfume to lure him out.

Way, way back in the day, like in the 1990s, if you wanted to tell everyone you ate waffles for breakfast, you couldn’t just go on the Internet and tweet it out. There was only one way to do it. You had to go outside and scream at the top of your lungs, 'I ate waffles for breakfast!' That’s why so many people ended up in institutions. They seemed crazy, but when you think about it, they were just ahead of their time.

The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.

It would be horrible to live with someone who didn't like the same things you like.

Now airlines charge for everything... If the oxygen mask drops, you have to swipe your credit card to start the flow of the oxygen.