They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.

Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.