I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read the bible faithfully, and I listen to Debbie Boone, umm, I'm not religious in that sense... But if by 'religious' you mean that I love others and try to help them whenever possible... Again, no. But if by 'religious' you mean that I like to eat coleslaw... Yeah, OK, OK!