I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.