I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.