I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.

If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.