I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.