I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."
My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.