People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.

In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted "should I yay him or nay him?" pantywaist ever again.

Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.