I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that's a nice service that many of them provide.