I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".

The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.