Emo Philips Quotes

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.

I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.

I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".

I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.

I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.

I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.

I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.

My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal... You have to let me in now.

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.