What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!

Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial of a woman who wore a dress that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and thirty days later looked like a well-dressed thermometer.

I never go to a college reunion that I don't come away feeling sorry for all those paunchy, balding jocks trying to hang onto youth. I feel sorry for the men, too.

Children make your life important.

Kids are without a doubt the most suspicious diners in the world. They will eat mud (raw or baked) rocks, paste, crayons, ball-point pens, moving goldfish, cigarette butts, and cat food. Try to coax a little beef stew into their mouths and they look at you like a puppy when you stand over him with the Sunday paper rolled up.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.