Any mother with half a skull knows that when Daddy's little boy becomes Mommy's little boy, the kid is so wet he's treading water.

Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood.

When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.

There is so much to teach, and the time goes so fast.

It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.